`HONEY, do these pants make my butt look big?” Guys, feign deafness and turn up the TV. Take out the garbage. Caulk the bathtub or go looking for your high-school yearbook. However male logic tells you to answer that question, you’re doomed. As in: He: “You look fine.” She: “Whaddaya mean, fine? As in, just all right?” We women are strange creatures, and we know that’s hard for guys to understand. My buddy Denise is constantly sweet-talked by her oh-so-wonderful husband; all she wants, she insists, is the truth, but he’s too afraid to tell her what he really thinks. I’ve been told the truth my whole life – by that critical little voice in my head and by my mirror, not to mention my closest relatives; I yearn to be lied to. Well, not lied to exactly. I just know that every person perceives things differently. My current honey – a bookish fellow who shows great promise in the romance department – I hope will perceive me as a hottie without compare, and will tell me so often. In exchange, I will look upon him favorably and grant him the favor of my company with great enthusiasm. See, the problem between men and women is there’s no level playing field. Women are paying attention to The Relationship, while men are sitting on the couch eating Cheetos and watching football. They have no idea that anything else is going on, so they are constantly blindsided. As many men have told me, guys are simple folk. They say exactly what they mean. They ask for exactly what they want. They believe exactly what they’re told. They actually believe television commercials that show women doing housework and exercising in their underwear, and they wonder why we don’t do those things at home. Women believe more in subtlety, obliqueness. Historically, women would pout and go silent for days rather than utter a clear request. If you love us, they believed, you’d know what we want. Today’s woman will speak up for herself – it’s just that communication is more a matter of semantics than ever before. When a woman asks, “do these pants make my butt look big,” that’s not really what she’s asking. What she really wants to know is: “Will I be embarrassed because every other woman at the party we’re going to is dressed better than me, and has better jewelry and is skinnier and her hair shinier? Will every other woman there silently snicker when I walk in? Will any of the guys wish they were with me? Will I be the fattest woman there? And even if I am, will you still love the voluminous fat slide that is me?” So you can see why there is only one answer that will make a woman zip up those tight pants and confidently stride into any social occasion. What we want is not an analysis of our diet, or a reminder that we shouldn’t have eaten that pint of rocky road last night. We need to know that no matter how we look, or how we think we look, our man will love us forever, will marvel often why he was so lucky to have caught wonderful us, and will tell that to anybody who looks in our direction with anything but total approval. That love gives us confidence, and armed with love and confidence, our butts are never too big. Carol Bidwell is a Daily News copy editor who has always had an open and honest relationship with her mirror, if not her men.160Want local news?Sign up for the Localist and stay informed Something went wrong. Please try again.subscribeCongratulations! You’re all set! He: “No, you look skinny.” She: “You’re lying. I’ve got a mirror; I just can’t see myself from the back.” He: “No, I think the pants shrank.” She: “So you do think I’m fat?!?” There is only one possible answer to that question: “Sweetie, I think you look smokin’ hot.” A long, wet kiss should follow. If you have any skill in that area, with luck, she’ll forget the question.